Hotdog in the Freezer

Career Change

2011-10-12T18:03:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote the Toronto Sun requesting a job interview. I think I'm a shoe-in.

Dear Toronto Sun,

I have been an avid reader since the first time I laid eyes on your newspaper, and have since been disregarding facts, recklessly pointing fingers , and just generally propelling myself into poorly-timed tirades over the most trivial of matters ever since. One time I even threw a scalding hot cup of Timmies on a Bylaw Enforcement Officer for their blatant disregard of my hard-earned tax dollars, but that’s a story for another time (I can divulge further once the matter is settled in court).

I cannot offer enough praise for the delicate way in which you expose the bi-partisan-cycle riding commies for what they truly are: tree-huggers with an anti-car, pro-communist agenda. If it were up to them we’d all be driving our hybrids powered by love to our jobs at the harmony factories where we all work for an equal share of hugs, and I can’t thank you enough for reminding them that us fellow Sun followers aren’t going to stand for that shit. How you do it all in such a graceful manner as to preserve your journalistic integrity is an act of true beauty, a beauty that can only be matched by the lovely young sunshine girls who grace your back pages with such half-naked elegance and class.

If it weren’t for your unrelenting quest for the truth I would probably be so ignorant that I’d actually still consider a vote for those damned audacious ‘fiberals’! Did you know the debt interest alone is costing us fine Ontario taxpayers a whopping 28.7 million dollars a day? That amounts to about 2 bucks a person! What’s next? Is McGuinty going to kick down my door and smack the XL double-double out of my hands while I’m yelling along to ‘Coach’s Corner’? He says he wouldn’t, which means he probably will. And don’t even get me started on his sneaky eco-tax (sneak-o-tax, feel free to use that one) because I still haven’t finished from the last time I got started.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think, as a writer, I would be a priceless asset to the already highly esteemed Toronto Sun team. Unfortunately, I will be unable to work on Sundays and Mondays, as I drink so much Molson on Saturday (blame Hockey Night in Canada) that I am incapacitated by a crippling hangover for two days afterwards. Also it’ll be about another week before I can come in for an interview in person as I rolled my ’98 Ford F150 off the 115 while swerving to avoid a moose on the way back from a particularly boisterous deer-hunting trip in the Kawarthas. I also don’t like the idea of taking a cab driven by a job-stealing immigrant, so that’s out of the question. Not that all cab drivers are job-stealers or immigrants, but it’s a gamble every time I stand on the curb and throw up my hand and frankly, I don’t like the odds. And I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I put three dollars into the pockets of the pinkos running the TTC (Toronto Transit Communists).

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future, hopefully before Saturday.

Sincerely,

Alasdair Murray-Lawson.

(PS. Where does Joe Warmington get those fantastic hats? Is there a special store that caters to sleuths? Or is it more like a merit badge that is handed out for exposing X amount of misappropriated tax dollars?)

Professor's Speech

2011-06-19T14:44:00.001-07:00

I googled 'Symposium On...' then went with the most scholarly-sounding result.

NEW COMIC?.... !

2011-04-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

hello there. it's been awhile, has it not?
enjoy a comic. or don't. i still don't care what you do.

Al.

Modern Machismo

2010-06-20T15:14:00.000-07:00

So I decided to say "fuck a magazine" and made Modern Machismo into a blog instead. This way more people can get their e-testosterone with a lot less effort on my part.

www.modernmachismoweekly.blogspot.com

Hopefully we'll get enough articles to update it at least weekly, but I planned that for this blog too and you can see how that turned out.

My Fantasy Baseball League

2010-06-09T16:52:00.001-07:00

If having Chase Utley and that Japanese guy playing on the same team gets you hard then you have a serious lack of imagination.

Volunteer Prostitute

2010-06-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

By my count this is only the second comic I've started off with someone calling a girl a slut. Rest assured, there will be more.

Al.

Chat-rule-ette

2010-05-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

Atlas Shrugged... Then Kicked Some Ass.

2010-05-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

I titled it 'Fuck the World' before I realized that 'Angry Planet' was a much more apt title. Also I want to make a skit like this where a dude dressed up as a globe runs amok in the city being a dick as Louis Armstrong's 'What a Wonderful World' plays.

Al.

Glorified Status Updates

2010-05-03T15:19:00.000-07:00

Seriously, it's a facebook status update for people who are too elitist even for facebook. Write a book if you have something important to say. Or just start a sarcastic blog.

Al.

Also...

2010-04-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

while simultaneously writing that 'fuck you' to the hippy, i had time to degrade someone who was criticizing another friends academics. observe:

Mikee Revo Maranga

As Usual looool
Cephas is a Failure since CF looool n a BIG CHEAT LOOOL
how do u know already u are going to fail it? lol start by studing LOSER! LOL

Alasdair Murray-Lawson

if the person above me made it through high school then god fucking help us all. seriously, don't make fun of people for not studying when you can only properly spell one out of every ten words you type. shiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttt!

Mikee Revo Maranga

u read it Alasdair right? whos talking to u? just ignore me plz! u the teacher of English!

Mikee Revo Maranga

Tell ur fucking friend hes a SON OF A BITCH!

Alasdair Murray-Lawson

actually i'm the son of two successful straight-a U of T grads.
close though, you keep up the good investigative work agatha christie!

Mikee Revo Maranga

spell n write is 2 different things!

Alasdair Murray-Lawson

"spell n write is 2 different things!"

that's the most retarded shit i've ever read, and i've read chuck klosterman.

Mikee Revo Maranga

cause ure RETARDED URSELF! LOL

Alasdair Murray-Lawson

i won't even justify your response by pointing out the fact that the only word you spelled correctly is the insult that you so pathetically tried to throw back in my face.
oh wait, yes i will. because i'm witty as all hell. get buck bitch.

so yeah, basically i am to making fun of people what steve mcqueen is to kicking ass.

I. HATE. HIPPIES.

2010-04-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

some goddamn hippy tried to add me on facebook as an obvious ploy to assimilate himself into the culture of today's youth by stacking up as many virtual friends as possible, so i decided to let him in on a little secret: the 'free love' era is a thing of the past, and i didn't spare him any dignity in reminding him so. here was my reply:

listen you cosmic fucking faggot, i thought you love-children, technology hating hippies were supposed to abolish the internet and everything that doesn't represent 'togetherness'. clearly this is some pathetic attempt by an LSD-riddled mind to try and break into the 21st century, but before you try that i should let you know that shit's changed. nobody is falling for reagans cocaine-hungry, status charged bullshit anyore BUT at the same time even less people are falling for the love-will-solve-all-of-our-problems bullshit. probably because everyone realized that money is more important than begging for fucking change on the corner of ashbury-haight because you're so intent on sticking it to the man that you'll spend the last 6 decades of your life sleeping under an overpass to prove a point that died 6.9 decades ago. no matter how many internet friends you have, the fact is that it's a superficial number, and if you don't maintain regular contact with those people then your life is just as meaningless as the embezzling bank president who fucked every last honest-working (it means you DON'T swindle people out of their change you worthless hypocrite) person. and when it's all said and done, we should embrace the fact that everyone faces the ultimate humility in death, especially because no matter how many boundaries we cross, no matter how many obstacles we overcome, and no matter how far the human race advances as a whole, we will all be collectively annihilated sooner than we think. try to wrap whatever fucking brain cells you have left around that, shithead.
sincerely,
someone who is actually capable of logical thought process.

According to TV, Stupid Women are Extinct

2010-04-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

If you are a man who watches television regularly, but not regularly enough to obliterate your cognitive thinking skills, then you have probably noticed a trend of stupid men in commercials. Often the commercial consists of a man doing something asinine, accompanied by an ‘I told you so’ quip from his smart alec wife, and instead of telling the bitch to know her role, the man simply hangs his head in shame.

Consequently, there is also a distinct lack of women being portrayed as idiotic in media these days. Now I’m not saying that all women are stupid, but there are a significant number of women in the world that are inexcusably moronic, and as such there should be a fair representation of this fact when depicting everyday situations in television or radio. Why is this not the case? If you have read one paragraph of anything I’ve written since the age of eight then the answer should be painfully obvious by now; feminism.
Feminists have been struggling to justify their ongoing existence since women got the vote and their arguments have ranged from the reasonable (women should make as much money as men in the same position) to the ridiculously trivial (it should be husband and wife instead of man and wife, the Canadian national anthem is sexist because of the line ‘in all thy sons command’, I can’t land a husband because I’m a hideous cunt so I’ll just take it out on mankind instead).
Although a small number of feminists have taken to maintaining a quiet, dignified pride in being of the fairer sex, a seemingly colossal army has taken the opposite approach of making no attempt to hide their arrogance or lack of sense of humour. Every time a man so much as hints at the possibility of a less-than-smart woman then it’s all bullhorns and the bleeding cunts cavalry led by that insufferably pompous bitch Gloria Allred, who’s last name fittingly enough sounds like a metaphor for a never-ending mega-period.
Unfortunately, despite lacking any logic or relevance, the plight of the shittier feminists gains clout every fucking time someone acknowledges their nonsensical ravings, and unfortunately someone always ends up acknowledging them because it’s the only way to shut them the hell up. And if a man brings up an argument that might expose the possibility that a woman is wrong then the useless cunts focus all of their attention on pointing out that he has a penis and is therefore an evil oppressor of womankind, out to grab as much innocent female ass as possible.
Listen up, ‘ladies’; Men Are Not Out To Get You. We, unlike you, aren’t spending every waking hour trying to bury the other sex in lawsuits based on misunderstandings blown out of proportion. We actually are totally and utterly addicted to you. We could be buried over our heads in women and we’d demand even more yet. Sure, occasionally we may make some off-hand jokes about how attractive, slim, fat, or ugly a female co-worker may be, but when’s the last time a joke held you down and forced itself inside of you?
Bring it on Gloria Allred, you haggard old sack of smashed assholes.

Al Murray-Lawson

Two Comics About Eating Out

2010-03-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Fetus H. Christ: The First Miracle

2010-03-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

Coming To A PDF Near You

2010-03-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

So it hasn't been awhile since I made a comic or ranted, and you can chock that up to plain old lack of inspiration. I got some ideas for comics that I'll get around to making, but in the mean time me, Wojtek, and our international correspondent London Phil are putting together a prototype magazine for traditional men called Machismo Monthly, and all of our efforts will be mainly focused on this project. Here's an example of exactly what you will never see (unless it's to prove a point) in our magazine:

Yes, this will be an incredibly anti-effeminate vampire publication.

Al.

Disconnected

2010-01-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

I like to think that this is the scenario that resulted in the absolutely poor customer service from my phone company.

Al.

Hawt Bewbs

2010-01-08T11:02:00.001-08:00

Remember Marlena from Cloverfield? She has awesome bewbs

A Comic Is Worth 677 Words

2010-01-04T16:56:00.000-08:00

And so in lieu of a comic, here's a rant.

UNCUT STUDS

Al Murray-Lawson

Never has there been a more disreputable and despised body part than the foreskin. There is such an unfounded fear of the tip shield that people of all faiths needlessly lop off this natural body part from their helpless newborn sons as though it were a common appendix. Thus far, nary a significant outcry has been put forward by the collective voice of uncut studs, a malady that I now intend to remedy through the medium of well-worded ranting.

Other than giving circumcised men an unfounded feeling of heightened sexual prowess, being an uncircumcised male has a highly more significant disadvantage with the ‘fairer’ sex, being that women tend to be repulsed by an appendage that reminds them more of the trunk of an elephant than a pleasurable he-rod, no matter how well developed the member that the foreskin protects is. Women openly and frequently express their disgust with foreskin, spewing forth wild allegations and discriminations, heedless to their own genital shortcomings. You see, the vagina- like the natural, uncut penis- also has a certain unfounded reputation, however it is one of beauty rather than disgrace. It seems as though not one straight man has dared to call the vagina an ugly orifice, despite the many that seem to be dominated by saggy, dilapidated labia reminiscent of hundred-year-old skin loosely hanging off of an old woman’s elbow, and many are accompanied by an even more repulsive odor, and there are as many (if not more) females with unappealing genitalia than there are uncut males.

One might argue that an un-mutilated tally whacker often has the same tendency to become odorous due to a lack of upkeep, which also often leads to the formation of an undesirable substance that accumulates beneath the foreskin known as ‘shmegma’. All the same, the lack of said substance is an indication of diligence and respect for ones own body. The mutilated men of the world needed never to adopt such a habit of thorough cleanliness, as they have never had an easily overlooked hood under which there is such a demand for immaculate hygiene, and so men of the foreskinned nature have inherently developed a sense of overall sanitation.

The biggest argument in favour of circumcision is that it decreases sensitivity around the tip, allowing the man to last longer during acts of a sexual essence. However there is no ignoring the fact that the term ‘decreased sensitivity’ is just a euphemism perpetuated by the hood-lacking masses to mask circumcision’s true effect: decreased pleasure. Although it may seem like a coin-toss decision in the battle between sexual endurance and heightened sensitivity, the so-called ‘problem’ of early release among the uncircumcised is nothing that is not effortlessly cured by a little bit of training, focus, and determination coupled with a substantial blood-alcohol level.

Although a lot of blame for rampant circumcision can be heaped on religion’s shoulders, a religious man is just as competently capable of justifying his decision to keep his foreskin. As overweight, ugly, and otherwise disabled children are all too often told, God has apparently made us all in his image, and yet infants everywhere are subjected to the whims of their insubordinate parents who seem intent on undermining God’s ideal craftsmanship by severing an innocuous anatomical accessory. This contradiction inevitably would lead one to the conclusion that either God or the religious practice of circumcision is flawed, and since a man of even minimal faith should never dare to question the acts and reasoning of God, the argument for preserving ones foreskin is easily favoured in the matter.

And so as I conclude my thoughts on the matter, I say be ashamed no more fellow foreskin-clad friends. Let this rant be the unofficial argument for our oppressed and shamed people; stand defiant against the self-righteous bare-tipped men, walk this earth confident in knowing that you are a man of sensibility and discipline, and hold your heads forever high, for you are a whole and true man, just as you were born to be.

Oh Hai

2009-12-12T10:29:00.001-08:00

I've been off work for two weeks after getting my appendix out and in the time that I wasn't a complete percocet write-off I made some comics:

This could be considered my first political comic, basically making fun of how artists demand money from the government when all they're doing is expanding the definition of art to include their aesthetic abominations in there. Art is a hobby, and like any other hobby you get a job to pay for your hobby until your hobby starts paying for itself. If you don't make any money off your hobby then it means you were never good at it.

So to answer your question, no, I didn't become a prescription drug addict who's too lazy to unzip his pants to take a piss, but it was close. I still make comics, just not as often as I'd like.

Al.

Smokey The More Bear-Like Bear

2009-11-03T13:19:00.001-08:00

Bears have very little patience for fucking up.

Al.

Child's Play

2009-11-03T13:18:00.001-08:00

He'll understand when he's 14.

Al.

Yes...

2009-10-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

...I still make comics, and they're still incredibly offensive.

Example:

It's the only way they ever get laid anyways.

Al.

More Comics About Diseases

2009-10-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Not Funny.

Kinda funny, but more foreshadowing than anything. More comics soon. No, I'm lying, more comics whenever the fuck I feel like it.

Al.

My Future

2009-09-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone with a mustache is a pervert. So is everyone without one.

Al.

The Other Half of the Battle

2009-08-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I'd be a lot more badass if GI Joe indulged in the other half of the battle when I was growing up. But I also figure I'm badass enough as is, so we'll just leave it at that. And just look at that art in the third frame. I rule.

Al.

Anonymous Alcoholics

2009-08-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

This is the hundredth comic I've made. I've been making comics for about four years now. Nobody ever said I was ambitious.

Al.

Presumption

2009-08-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

There's a joke in here somewhere, and I think I remember what it is. Something like religious 'fact' states that because there is no explanation for the existence of an object then it must've been put there by a higher power, kinda like how when people see shit on a front lawn they assume the perpetrator is a dog. So I won't believe in God until I see Jesus copping a squat on my front lawn.

Shitty joke I know, but who gives a shit, it's not like anybody reads this fucking thing anyways. Hello? Anybody? Fuck it. Fuck you guys.

Al.

I Don't Wanna Be Buried...

2009-08-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

There you have it folks, the most artistically detailed comic I've ever made. I'll leave it up to you to determine if it's funny or not because I spent so long making the goddamn thing on MS paint that the whole thing lost all meaning to me. I've had this blog for like, a year and a half, and it's all thanks to you, stolen wireless internet! Passwords be damned, keep up the good work you unconcerned internet owners.

Al.

Surprise!

2009-07-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Why would he want to sign up for their karate lessons after such a pathetic display of self-defense?

Al.

Allergies and STDs

2009-07-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

Here we go, another comic about STDs.

I guess they could've used condoms made out of sheep intestines, like back in the day, but that's fucked up. It's like fucking a girls vag with a sheeps ass. Gross.

Short, Retarded Story

2009-07-16T16:56:00.002-07:00

This story will accurately reflect the kind of place my head is in after ending a week-long drinking binge with a bottle of rum. Enjoy!

I was about five when I first noticed a change in my mom. She started using heavily after my dad died from extreme ‘over it’ syndrome, which was triggered when my mom berated him for squeezing the tube of toothpaste from the middle instead of the bottom, which would have maximized the lifespan of a tube. He was a waster so now she gets wasted, go figure. Anyways, I figured if I could go back in time I could teach my dad how to properly apply toothpaste and explain to him that although this may briefly appease my mom, there is no true way to ever make any woman completely satisfied, which explains why that one-legged cunt divorced Paul McCartney and was still bitching after taking half of his hard-earned money even after Michael Jackson did the same thing a while back. Maybe Paul McCartney is just a real bitch of a pushover? Whatever, he sure has the last laugh now, seeing as how a simple heart attack just turned the video for ‘Thriller’ from iconic to ironic. Sorry to go off on a tangent there, but I really think that Paul McCartney has gotten a raw deal through his life, I just wanted him to know that someone has his back. ‘Twist and Shout’ is still my number one party song dude, and not just because Rodney Dangerfield sang it in ‘Back to School’.

Anyways, I figured that magnets held the key to time travel, since both magnetism and time traveling were both such wondrous mysteries to me. So I stripped the fridge bare of all of it’s novelty magnets and duct-taped them to my torso then made my way to the lawn, where I began to spin around as fast as I could. I believed that this was the absolute key to time travel; it was so simple yet so absolutely complicated and intricate. I still believe to this day that the key to time travel involves a multitude of magnets; I just wasn’t spinning fast enough is all. Something to do with centrifuge, I think. That’s why I think the first successful time travelers will be astronauts. So as I was spinning to the point of throwing up on dinosaurs, my mom was too far gone on China White to even notice that she had been in possession of a half-retarded son for five years.

While my mom was trying in vain to find a vein in her eyeball that didn’t already have track marks all over it (listen man, she was fucked) I was in the middle of a particularly enthusiastic spin on the front yard when I was just too damn dizzy to travel any further back in time. I stumbled to and fro, desperately trying to keep my footing, when I began my fateful and uncorrectable course for the driveway. I was completely accepting of my inevitable asphalt face-plant when I found myself inexplicably propped up off the ground. I felt a sense of relief wash over me, for I had just survived the first and only attempt at time-travel, and I started to set out on my mission of first curing my dad of his inefficient toothpastery and then tracking down Keanu Reeves to tell him not to even bother, when I realized I was stuck.

Fucking hell, I hadn’t gone back in time, I was magnetically pinned to my moms station wagon, the very same station wagon that I pretended was a space ship on those particularly long road trips that summer when my mom was a groupie for White Snake during their entire cross-country tour. Yes, the car which used to take me to Mars, where we’d pick up three-tittied, fine-ass, hitch-hiking bitches, was now preventing me from fulfilling my most ambitious of dreams. The irony pains me still to this day.

I was stuck in the middle of a rage of cursing magnetism and the fact that Keanu Reeves only accepts movie roles that challenge the conventional truths of space and time (Matrix, Bill and Ted, The Lake House? Seriously, come on dude! At least pretend you can emote) when I noticed, through the window, my mom shoving a 6-inch hypodermic needle into her ear in an attempt to get the heroin into her brain so she didn’t have to wait the painfully anticipatory half-second it takes for it to kick-in after injecting it intravenously. I watched as my mom died a very content and warm death, and there was nothing I could do about it. Did I mention I was a deaf mute? Yeah, I was, so I couldn’t even scream for help.

So don’t tell me I don’t know anything about addiction and pain and loss, mainly because I won’t even be able to hear you and I can’t read lips because I’m lip-illiterate, but also because you’re wrong. My mom OD’ed while I watched helplessly and I didn’t travel back in time all in one day.

Al.

Vows Out of Hell

2009-07-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

Seriously, best vows ever? I think so. These are the only conditions under which I would possibly even consider getting married.

Al.

Remember When...

2009-07-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

...you could tell people that you liked the Black Eyed Peas and it didn't make them kick you in the balls? Fergie turned them from somewhat listenable hip-hop into total shit, just like how women ruin all bands (except you Brody Dalle, you're awesome). I know that this comic is now 2000 and late, because they already have a new single out, but I'm gonna post it anyways. Fuck those fuckers, especially Fergie.

Everyone Just Shut Up

2009-06-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

Here's a comic. I've been busy because it's summer and I'm a man of many hobbies, my favourite being getting drunk outside, which I am on my way to do right now. Also I have no internet. And I love excuses. Rant later, drunk baseball now.

Al.

A Perfect Match...

2009-05-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

...and a somewhat off-topic rant:

You know what I don’t get? The religious practice of not fucking. I just don’t see the holy properties of sperm. Sure, it’s one half of the equation of life, but why can’t I make a deposit in the toilet or the shower or a mouth every once in a while? It’s not like they won’t grow back. I just think Jesus has bigger concerns than where, when, and how I’m getting a nut, although the church would like you to think that your junk butter is the number one priority of our lord and saviour.

Apparently, every sperm is sacred, and to simply shoot a load into a condom is a serious affront to God, but sperm all die off after four days, so if that’s the case then instead of remaining abstinent shouldn’t the church provide me with at least two virgins a week to impregnate? That would be the most holy use of my sperm it seems, as then I can still remain sane and save the proverbial bitch-slap to the face of God that is jerking off. However even when I impregnate a woman I’m wasting millions of little soldiers, it’s just mass murdering minus one. And what if that one sperm that got through grows up to be a serial killer? Then wouldn’t spanking it into a wad of toilet paper have been the more humane and healthy option?

Any man who gets a nut on the regular can tell you that it’s a very healthy thing, for both mind and soul. Lethargic men who would otherwise have no need to leave the comfort of the couch are driven into a 5-minute workout routine solely by their desire for a self-inflicted sexual release, and as for the mental benefits? Well, I know that if I go a week without getting my rocks off then I turn into a potential rapist, and that’s a very dangerous thing considering how impulsive I get when I’m shit-canned, and I’m shit-canned quite often. Is it any wonder that priests resort to molesting altar boys, or that Muslims blow shit up all the time? I say let them have their nut, and the world would be a much more fit and friendlier place.

It seems that men are the ones who bear most of the burden from the church when it comes to conserving life. I’m flattered that God thinks that stuff that comes from my balls is holy, but where are the women in all of this? Shouldn’t the same rules apply to them? How come they get to waste an egg a month and nobody is on their case? If they wanted to do their holy duty then they would only be religiously allowed to have one period; the first one, which would be their indication that it’s time for them to start rolling babies off the assembly line. Some would say, however, that bleeding out of your vagina one week out of every month is punishment enough, and I’d say that those people are Satanists who want nothing more than to vanquish the efforts of the holy and righteous.

Isn’t there an overpopulation crisis in the world right now anyways? What good is it to be holy if it means destroying the earth with a bunch of ungrateful little shits? How can we guarantee that they’re not going to go tossing their sperm around all willy-nilly, with no regards for Jesus’ feelings? With all of those kids running around it would be a full-time job keeping them all holy, and I just don’t think we’d be able to pull it off.

If all of these suggestions are deemed infeasible or retarded then I think the only other option would be for the religious authorities to do what they do best: manipulate the words of the bible to guide their flock of holy warriors. Only this time instead of telling them all to hold it in, make it religiously mandatory that everyone gets off at least once a week. Everyone would be a little less tense, we’d all get along better, and maybe I’d finally get to fuck a nun.

Diseasenis

2009-05-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

I learned about this disease on TLC. What an awesome channel.

Al.

Crab Cake Supernova

2009-05-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Note: don't marry fatties. But if you do, don't have kids. Let beautiful people make beautiful children so in the future everyone will be a supermodel and nobody will be ashamed of their one-night acts of desperation, because there will be no chunkers or ugmos or chugmos left.

Al.

Survival of the Shittest

2009-04-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

Survival of the Fittest, You Say?

Al Murray-Lawson

I’m all for the theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ as a means of explaining why the most badass and cunning of creatures are still alive to this day, but how come whenever the debate turns physical the ‘law’ has to break it up? I say if you’re going to argue ‘survival of the fittest’, whether for or against, then you’re going to have to be subjected to a few hard-hitting debaters trying to prove the theory in a hands-on manner. Getting the law involved is simply out of the question, as the law is a means of controlling people based on a standard of moral and ethical behaviour appropriated from an archaic religious belief system, therefore arguing a theory of Darwin’s with a religious code of ethics to back you up will simply lose you the debate. If you’re going to argue this theory, you’ll have to be willing to throw down the gauntlet.

I'm Gonna Die!

2009-04-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

The Muslim Conundrum

Al Murray-Lawson

Depicting the face of Mohammed is deemed a sin punishable by death to any Muslim that isn’t just paying lip service to the religion. Anyone with the balls to offend the Islam religion has been violently protested against, and many times lots of innocent people end up dead. Why is it then, when drawing a cartoon depicting the Prophet Mohammed is the worst of sins, that naming damn near every male that falls out of your oppressed wife’s vagina ‘Mohammed’ is okay?

It’s not only putting a face on your sacred Prophet, but it is also giving him a body and a personality too. It’s a step further, actually, than simply drawing an innocent little cartoon of a dude who probably never existed. Do Muslims just assume that when they give their child the name of their Prophet that he is going to blossom into a holy and righteous spiritual warrior? Because a lot of the dudes in high school who I knew that were named Mohammed were bullying me for bus change. Now, I’m not saying that all Muslims are poor and lazy assholes, but I figure if the kids I knew who were named Mohammed wanted to do their religion (and Prophet) any bit proud then they’d start earning their own paper route scrilla and stop trying to take mine.

If it really is such a sin to draw the Prophet, then shouldn’t you be satisfied in knowing that when this person dies then the Prophet can personally take care of his shit? I mean, killing someone kind of seems like you’re selling the Prophet short, it’s like you’re assuming that the Prophet can’t handle his own, and that’s pretty disrespectful man.

If a Protestant ever named their kid ‘Jesus’ then people would look at the parents like they’re some kind of insane assholes. Everyone would expect that kid to perform miracles on a daily basis just so he could live up to his name, nevermind the fact that if he had been born as ‘Steve’ and performed only one miracle then the entire Western world would be bouncing off the fucking walls with excitement.

Anyways, people are allowed to draw and say whatever the fuck they want, no matter how much it pisses a group of people off. If someone draws a picture of your Prophet then you know what the fair and not-criminally-insane response would be? To draw an equally disrespectful picture of their Prophet. Don’t go out and murder a bunch of innocent people from the ‘Western world’, and don’t murder the person that drew the picture. Take solace in the fact that they’ll face an eternity of damnation for their insolence, after they live out an awesome life of not taking shit from any religious zealots, that is.

Me, however? My only belief is that there is a higher power beyond human comprehension and, as such, we shouldn’t try to attach rules, restraints, punishments, and personality to an obscure concept that is beyond our realm of understanding. Instead of letting wild allegations of an almighty and vengeful being who determines the outcome of our eternal soul control every aspect of our lives, we should stand back in humbling awe of a power that we will never be able to fully grasp as long as we are still a bunch of living, breathing dumb fucks.

Reunited and it Feels So... Awkward

2009-04-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

I imagine shit like this goes down in Keswick all the time.

Al.

This Time...

2009-04-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

Still not funny. Sorry, maybe I'll make new ones this week... ?

Al.

Gay

2009-04-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

Funny?

Nope.

Sorry.

Al.

Quality of Life vs. Age

2009-04-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

When you are born life kicks ass for awhile. You're young, you get spoon fed, the world is just a big awesome place full of happy surprises, and people clean your shit. When you make your way into your teenage years you aren't allowed to play all the fucking time and you hit puberty, which makes everything seem really shitty and you yell at your parents a lot. Then you hit college. Now your puberty has finished off (hopefully, you fucking loser) and it's time to start drinking and fucking your way through a few years, and if you're lucky then you can do it all on your parents money. Then comes real life, where you work your ass off to pay bills and rent, which is alright if you're single, but if you get married and have kids then your quality of life drops a lot earlier. Then it kind of evens out at retirement because you have all the free time in the world to do anything you want but you're too old to do anything anyways. Then of course you start shitting yourself and get spoon fed again, but this time you have a grasp on the concept of dignity and it pisses you off that you have to have your ass wiped for you.

Of course, this is just a very generic graph for the average white male. If you're the fifteenth child born into a retardedly poor third-world family then the red line would be right around 'terrible' the whole time, where-areas if you're an heir to a fortune then your red line basically hovers around the 'great' area, then it kind of spikes when your parents die and you get all of their money. To normal people this would be a serious tragedy, but rich kids are raised by Hispanic and Southeast Asian maids and so never grew to love their parents.

Al.

Post-Mature Ejaculation

2009-04-07T06:34:00.000-07:00

Rock, Paper, Scissors

2009-04-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

Emo... Pirate?

2009-03-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

Another of my not funny comics explaining the origin of emo pirate. Whatever, I have a few good comics in the works, I just have to get my act together and set aside half an hour to make them.

Awareness Fixes Everything

2009-03-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

Protesters, I Protest

Al Murray-Lawson

Anybody who doesn’t have their head up their ass can clearly see that the world has problems. Lots of problems. There is injustice, unfairness, and inequality every which way you turn, but it seems like nobody is trying to fix these problems. That is, everyone except protesters. With their endless barrage of signs, slogans, and songs the world is sure to be rid of all of its problems in no time at all.

That is sarcasm, of course. Protesting, despite the millions who annually partake in the act, generally produces no positive results. The main outcome of protests is usually a traffic jam, which ironically makes the general population less sympathetic to the cause of the protesters. The irony was apparently lost to a group of bikers, though, who took to the intersection of Queen and University in Toronto to block off rush hour traffic to protest excessive car emissions. Apparently being an avid biker automatically turns you into a retarded douchebag, because none of the hundreds of protestors realized that backing up traffic for hours isn’t the best way to combat excessive exhaust emissions.

However protesters are certain that they are changing the world for the better, if not just for the fact that they’re raising awareness. Even though awareness actually does fuck all to help any situation (a scientifically proven fact) protesters are convinced that awareness is going to fix the problem, nevermind the fact that everyone is already aware of at least 95 percent of the topics of protest.

A famous example of protesting bending its own cause over and giving it a proper ass fucking is the annual weed march, held in Queens Park, Toronto. Even though it’s called a march, the stoners eventually gave that up in lieu of getting stoned and forming drum circles, because walking is just too much work. Apparently skipping work to dress in outlandish apparel and lay in grass all day is a surefire way to get the government to legalize weed. Listen, if you want to win people over you have to play on the positive effects of weed. Be sure to point out that Michael Phelps smokes weed and wins multiple gold medals. And maybe instead of sitting in circles and listening to shitty bands fronted by suburban white kids with dreadlocks, try running a marathon or raising money for dying children. It will prove to all the skeptics that maybe, just maybe, stoners are worth a shit after all.

But what happens when the government legalizes weed? It becomes another heavily taxed vice controlled by a corrupt government. Why the hell would stoners want to pay more for a substance that is barely illegal and controlled by people they notoriously don’t trust when they could buy it cheap off of one in four young adults? It can’t be because it’s safer, because if you have over four friends then statistically one of them sells it, and then you can just politely ask him not to spray yours with Windex.

Protesters are also very selfish. You see, often they are so narrow-mindedly fixated on their cause that they will neglect to think about what negative outcomes their ultimate solution might have on anyone else, a prime example of this being the protesting Canada’s annual seal hunt.

Seals are cute; therefore their lives have more purpose and value than every other animal that is hunted annually. They especially have more reason to live than the people who hunt them, because people aren’t sentient beings. Fuck humans. Now I know these protesters will tell you that this isn’t true and that they love all creatures, but after they tell you this be sure to ask them what careers you have lined up as viable alternatives for the hunters. When they start saying careers off the top of their heads politely remind them that the hunters live in the middle of fucking nowhere and that the Arctic already has a mechanic and the climate isn’t suitable for organic vegetable farms. Congratulations, you have just proved that these protesters don’t value human lives or opinions, and since they themselves are humans then they’ve made their opinions obsolete. It helps to argue this point if you are cute, as if something isn’t aesthetically pleasing to these people then it means little or nothing to them.

So it seems that protesting has just worsened the problems for the people who are trying to fix them: potheads come off as useless piles of lazy shit, bikers come off as smug piles of active shit, and people who protest the seal hunt are just shallow pieces of ass-backwards shit. The best thing to do if you have an opinion is to keep it to yourself, because chances are nobody really gives a shit and nothing you can think of doing will ever change the status quo.

So I submit my protest against protesting: the world’s most annoying attempt at do-goodery. I hope everyone that has read this article today decides to put down the picket signs and leave the world as is, because I sincerely think it would make the world a better, less aggravating place. I’m sure, however, that it will do absolutely nothing to change the things that I don’t find favour in, just like every protest.

RANDOM LOLZ !!!!!!11

2009-03-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

The Random Takeover

Al Murray-Lawson

Whatever happened to the word ‘random’? I don’t mean what happened to it as in ‘where did it go?’, but as in ‘why is taking over my language?’. The word ‘random’ has become a voracious predator, consuming word after word in the English dictionary with an insatiable appetite. Here are a few words that I can think of that have been viciously and indiscriminately devoured by the word ‘random’:

Arbitrary

Unexpected

Surprising

Odd

Different

Confusing

Unknown

Vast

Unfamiliar

Strange

New

Freakish

Complicated

Immeasurable

Obscure

Uncommon

Varying

Various

Indiscriminate

Involuntary

The list continues to grow with no end in sight. The word ‘random’ all too often comes up during conversation predominantly among teenagers, which leads me to believe that it must have become part of the new high school curriculum shortly after I graduated. It seems the only cure is years of adult conversations after one has left high school and entered the work force or an intensive English university course, where thousands upon thousands of dollars are spent in order for one to learn how to replace familiar conversational words with words that both contain the most syllables possible and that are most uncommonly heard or read; because as everyone knows, this is what makes a brilliant writer.

If you want definite proof of just how much of a menace ‘random’ has the potential to be, then simply replace all of the words in the above list that you find in this document with the word ‘random’. I assure you that you will be so sick of hearing it that you will vomit in rage the next time you are engaged in conversation with a ‘random’ over-doer.

Now that you have been enlightened, I plead that you do everything within your power to stop the relentless manifestation of ‘random’ in the English language. Print out pamphlets containing the above words and their definitions and hand them out at your local high school, engage in conversation with a teenager and slap them every time they say ‘random’, and please only use it in your own conversations when it is truly relevant and necessary. Give the other words a fighting chance before the entire English dialogue is comprised of the word ‘random’.

Thank you for your time, and good luck.

Call Someone Who Cares

2009-03-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

It's clever, it drives the point home, and it doesn't leave marks.

Al.

Seal Clubbing: A Guide

2009-03-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hippies love to bitch and complain about seals getting clubbed. Sure, clubbing is a pretty brutal way of killing something, but would they shut the fuck up if people started shooting seals?

No.

As long as animals are being killed, hippies are never going to shut their smelly traps. The fact of the matter is, there are very few jobs for people who live in the Arctic, probably because it is THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE.

If these assholes weren't clubbing seals, they'd be welfare cases who get drunk and crash snow mobiles into polar bears all the time. But of course hippies don't care about that, because after all, what's the life of a human worth?

Al.

Oil, Derrrr!

2009-03-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

It seems like everyone living within the region of where oil drilling occurs is a fucking retard.

Examples:

ALASKA

TEXAS

SAUDI ARABIA

ALBERTA

THE GULF OF MEXICO

Maybe it's the fumes.

Al.

Recession Depression

2009-03-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered if there is any point to being bulimic? I mean, why eat food if you're not going to digest it? That's like buying a car then walking everywhere. Maybe anorexia is just the poor girl's bulimia. Who knows?

Al.

Mother Earth's Children Embarrass Her

2009-03-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

I will never, ever read Noam Chomsky.

Al.

Marriage is About Comprimise

2009-03-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

Marriage is a losing game.

Al.

In Case You Were Wondering...

2009-03-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

... sobriety is a bitch.

Al.

Important Announcement

2009-02-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

Wojtek and I will be giving up drinking for the month of March. Maybe this will mean we'll get our shit together and make more comics, but I sincerely doubt it. We'll keep you updated on what little fun we'll be having and new hobbies we attain to keep our minds off of the fact that we're missing out on the most awesome thing ever. Also, we'll be taking bets at 25 to 1 odds.

Sincerely,

Al.

School Is Stupid

2009-02-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

Yeah I fucking said it. School is for assholes. Listen to a three-time successful dropout; if you think you're too smart and school is holding you back, then you're right. Drop out, get a job, and start smoking. You'll be the coolest motherfucking teenager ever.

Al.

Valentines gay... sorry, day.

2009-02-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Rather than be bitter about it like all of you would expect, I will sim ply just post this picture.

-Wojtekmania

Funny Names For Masturbation

2009-02-03T15:16:00.000-08:00

Roughing up the suspect

Punching the clown

Thinning out the population of Nutsackistan

Beating the wife and kids

Sapping the maple

Donating to the kleenex fund

Ditching the evidence

Making stains for the black light

Punishing the pirate

By Al.

Shitty Hit

2009-02-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

Smartie McFlurries are frigging amazing.

Al.

Slips

2009-01-28T17:52:00.001-08:00

The Nip slip, has been accepted by our society for quite a while now, it makes and breaks careers, depending on the career I suppose. Nip slips aren't even that shocking anymore ever since the internet showed up at your door with a truckload of porno that it just felt like giving you just because it likes to see you happy. Why am I talking about this you ask? Well I have an idea. My first anti sexist idea... ever... probably. Why should women be the only ones to feel the embarrassment (or accomplishment) of a nip slip. That is why I bring you the "TIP SLIP."

I like to wear my pants low, and I, on a hot summers day, sometimes skip out on underwear. The equation can only lead to my peen popping up to say hello. Rather than feel embarrassed, (or accomplished) I will simply embrace it as an anti-sexism movement. VIVA LA TIP SLIP!

Your local neighbourhood freedom fighter against sexism. Wojtek

sleeping

2009-01-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

You ever slept with a girl, but didn't actually DO anything?

A Wojtek short.

Spoon Breaks Dishes Heart

2009-01-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

Ahh young love; so naive, so brutal, so malicious.

Al.

Dead People Like Tricks Too

2009-01-14T16:08:00.000-08:00

Bad jokes

2009-01-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

This is actually a true story of every time I go in the bathroom and I have diarrhea. Toilets are so fed up with being the butt-end of my jokes, (get it? butt-end) that they stole my teeth on new years eve.

This terrible update was brought to you by me. Wojtek

Sorry

2009-01-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

I'm digging into all my unfunny comics because I haven't made a new one in ages. I'm busy and stuff.

Al.

A Call to Arms

2009-01-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

Feminism Killed Chivalry

Al Murray-Lawson

When talking with feminists you are more than likely to hear the phrase ‘double standard’ at least once or twice, as feminists feel that men are still giving them the shit end of the stick. Rarely will you hear a feminist use said term when describing the problems of men, probably because their agenda is focused solely on making life easier for women, no matter how many males get shat on in the process. This is quite obviously in complete contrast with the policy of ‘equal rights’, but that’s something any feminist couldn’t give less of a shit about. Starting a biased support group for equality is a slippery slope, as the further you fight for your own cause, the less concerned you become with the rights of others. So it seems that feminism has fought so long that they’ve forgot what they were fighting for (it was equality, by the way), and now the focus of the movement is centered on bitching about every miniscule habit of the male sex, and when they’re not bitching, they’re scheming to fuck us over.

But maybe they’re not scheming. Maybe they’re just so busy screaming and hating and not having any fun that they forget just how easy they have it these days. They have succeeded so brilliantly in their quest for equality that they have actually surpassed their goal and elevated themselves to a level of more rights than man. Women are allowed to slander men through a bullhorn to the masses, yet when a male comedian makes a minor crack about how women shouldn’t be on the road then he’s forever pestered by the raging hormonal senselessness that is the pissed-off feminist.

When he tried to release ‘Men are Better Than Women’, author Dick Masterson was boycotted and protested against until this day, resulting in many chains of bookstores pulling the book from their shelves. Yet I remember many years before sitting in the cottage of my cat-loving aunt and noticing a book entitled ‘101 reasons cats are better than men’. I picked it up, flipped through it, had a chuckle at the slightly observational humour, and then promptly dismissed it as nothing more than the bible for lesbians and feminists. Never did I hear of a group of angry men taking to the streets and issuing a call to arms about this book. Why? Probably because we couldn’t give two flying fucks about what women think of our race. We’re quite happy with who we are thank you, and we’re strong enough not to let anyone make us think any less of ourselves just because we have balls.

Yet it is forever the feminist quest to take man by his collective scrotum, look him square in the eye, and mutter through clenched teeth ‘ we refuse to take your shit, got it?’. What escapes these women is one plain and simple fact: you already have us by the balls. It’s true, and if you’ve ever spent time in a nightclub then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Everywhere you look in a club you’ll see men bartering up their dignity for even the slightest hint of a chance at taking a girl home. He’ll buy her drinks and compliment her all night, and if he gets too aggressive he gets a face full of pepperspray and kicked out on his ass.

Whether or not these women are generally interested in the bullshit antics of the self-respect lacking men of the club scene, they at least get to revel in the ego boost and free drinks that the assholes can provide. Even if they have acknowledged that the man is a disgusting creep, they will milk him for all of the cosmopolitans and ‘you are so beautiful’s they can stand before laughing him off, leaving him to collect what’s left of his dignity off the floor.

Yet despite this; despite all the selfish antics of the modern woman, they still expect nothing less than gentlemanly behaviour of us, and when not treated with the utmost respect they love to so smugly remind us that ‘chivalry is dead’, even though the notion of romantic knights whisking away maidens from their oppressive lives to a life of freedom and adventure comes only from fairy tales. Thus chivalry- in that context- never was alive. The very idea that a man should bend over backwards to live up to the expectations of a woman with an overwhelming sense of entitlement is the polar opposite of equality. Beautiful women can’t be entirely to blame for this, however. Their sense of entitlement is merely a byproduct of desperate men showering them with compliments in a pathetic attempt to slip their flesh puppet past the meat curtains. But we can’t help it either; we need a nut, and we’ll do very shameful, regrettable things to get it sometimes.

And so women, in your endless quest to conquer the world that you believe you are so rightfully owed, you will forever be trampling on man. You do so well at playing oblivious while ripping our hearts from our chests and driving us into mental distress and it seems that as long as man has a libido it will always be that way. But the next time you feel the need to rant and rave about how the men of the world are keeping you from your utmost potential just try to remember, we feel the wrath of double standards too.

It's 5 am.

2009-01-05T02:05:00.001-08:00

Due to my recent fascination with poker and my inability to sleep, I decided I will talk about something to do with poker, bluffing, more specifically when James Bond called some broads bluff in the world is not enough. She totally thought he wouldn't shoot her because they "made love" but then he did because he ain't gonna stand for some womanly bullshit. Oh boy oh boy, Katy Perry is on tv right now, bonerzz bonerzz. The choreography is outstanding in this video. Where was I? Oh yeah. I was going to do my top 5 dudes who thrashed evil broads in the movies...

5, The above mentioned James Bond event.
4, I don't really have a 4 or a 3 or a 2 really...
1, When Wolverine shanks the Phoenix (Jean Grey) in the third X-men, that fuckin' ruled. and to go with this theme here is a picture of Jean Grey 'cause she's really friggen hot when she's angry.

I couldn't find an angry enough picture so I went with one of her crying, I bet her tears are delicious.

I have a crush on Jean Grey too.

Wojtek.

Oh yeah here's some gay turkeys.

Sad Pirate

2009-01-03T07:46:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to make a comic with a pirate in it, so shut up, I know it isn't funny. I just love pirates.

Al.

You Can Do Better, Zooey

2009-01-01T11:59:00.000-08:00

Ben Gibbard is the luckiest man on earth next to that fucking loser who's banging Katy Perry and I want this to happen to both of them. Stop stealing all my dream women, just let me pretend!

Al.

See You In Hell, 2008

2008-12-31T13:59:00.001-08:00

It's new years eve, so go drink your fucking ugly fucking faces off.

2008 is shit.

I've already made 09 my corey and trevor.

Smokes, let's go.

Al.

I have a crush

2008-12-29T22:37:00.000-08:00

I think it'd be awesome to run around chasing a poster on a stick attached to my head, like horses with carrots, but on the poster would be a nude woman and I would have my penis in my hand. I think I'd be the ultimate metaphor for my life. Maybe one day I'll do it and then no one will fuck with me, or i could buy a gun, meh. Totally unrelated thing, I have a crush on Katy Perry, like when she has mascara running down her face from crying and makes crazy bitch faces, oh god do I get a boner. she's totally my Rihanna circa 2006. Oh the things I would do to make love to these women, filthy things, but I digress.
Here's a picture that I felt would fit the writing above best....

It doesn't.

-Wojina

Hockey Dads

2008-12-29T16:02:00.000-08:00

It could've been worse, the kids could've been playing hockey in a French-Canadian junior league, or soccer in any league in Toronto. Never have I heard such fat, rambunctious jerkoffs living so vicariously through their children. I mean yeah, if I have kids I'm gonna get drunk at their games, but I'm not going to pay attention.

Al.

Fluff the Magic Dragon

2008-12-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

Check out the artistic talent.

Al.

Put a Gun Against His Head, Pulled the Trigger Now He's Dead

2008-12-23T23:51:00.000-08:00

That song was about Freddy Mercury knowingly giving a dude AIDS. The more you know!

Sincerely,

Lavar Burton

More Phrases That Are Stupid

2008-12-22T17:27:00.000-08:00

A penny saved is a penny earned: What is this, a savings account with one-hundred percent interest? A penny saved is not a penny earned, a penny saved is fucking useless. Even one cent candies don't cost one cent anymore. A penny earned is a penny earned, and if you're counting your earnings in pennies then you may want to reconsider your career path.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink: What if you rode the horse for a day straight in the blazing sun in a dry climate? I bet if you led that motherfucker to a river he'd drink. If he didn't he'd be as good as glue. This is almost as stupid as saying you can lead Al to a bar, but you can't make him drink.

It's not whether or not you win or lose, it's how you play: Why even bother playing if you're not trying to win? That's what you're supposed to do in games. That's the whole reason games were invented, to separate the winners from the fat kids with asthma. There are no participation ribbons in real life, so you get your ass out there and play your fucking heart out you little asshole. If you don't win then you don't get orange slices and kool-aid after the game. If you don't want to compete then stay at home and read Goosebumps and ask your mom to bake you cookies because you're a fat asshole who'll never amount to anything.

It's what's on the inside that counts: Really? Because I've never heard of a guy who took a fat girl home to satisfy her raging sexual urges because she had such a great personality. If it was all about inner beauty then fat people wouldn't always have to resort to getting in relationships with other fat people then having fat children who eat up the world's precious supply of food. God I hate fat people.

It's easier said than done: Then don't fucking say anything, because talking is for losers. You just walk up to whatever it is, eye it out a little, fucking do it like it's nothing, then walk away with your head held high while all the people who would've been saying 'easier said than done' are looking at you in awe of how incredibly manly you are and how badly they want you in their life.

It takes two to tango: It also takes two people to bang, but if you're not incredibly retarded at life then you don't have to learn how to tango to get ahead. I much prefer the dance of standing around with a beer in each hand swaying my hips a little with my eyes barely open. If chicks can't dig that then fuck 'em, they aren't cool enough to bang me anyways.

You're too drunk: Who the fuckk do yeou thik yur tlkin too pal? I dunt neeed aanny uhyorshitt, yahearme? I SAED DI' YU FAKGIN HERR ME?! Yu doe kno me, uhhkay ass *burp face. Aye'll fuggin, Aye'll fugging... I... Will... FUG... Yu uph. Mmmk? Mmk.

Allergies

2008-12-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

Rape always has the potential for comic relief.

Phrases I Hate

2008-12-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

I hate a lot of things, but I really hate stupid phrases, probably because I hear stupid people use them all the time without full comprehension of what they mean.

Je ne sais quoe: Not entirely sure how to spell it, but it's French. It's literal translation is 'I don't know'. People love to use this phrase to summarize their inability to properly identify and understand the many subtleties presented to them in everyday life. Really it's just an eloquent way of saying 'I'm a big fucking idiot but maybe if I say something in another language people won't realize that I'm a big fucking idiot'.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch: Fuck you. Seriously. Who the hell do you think you are? The only chickens I own have not only already hatched, but they've been slaughtered, cooked, processed, and portioned into my various microwaveable dinners. Don't ever tell me what to do.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket: Again, fuck you. I don't own a basket, and when I do have eggs I certainly wouldn't dream of putting them in a basket, I'd put them in the fridge. And when the time was right I'd put them all into a frying pan and make a fucking omelette. Stop telling me what to do with my goddamn food.

Home is where the heart is: Wrong. Your heart is in your chest. When you go out do you leave your heart at home? No, because you'd die. Therefore, wherever you are is where your heart is. It doesn't take a fucking anatomical professional to figure that one out, stupid.

When in Rome: This one implies that when you're somewhere unfamiliar you should assimilate to the customs and past-times of the local culture. That's fucking stupid. Did you know Romans fought lions? So when in Rome do you fight lions? Probably not, because that'd be fucking stupid. If I ever go to San Francisco I'm not planning on fucking any dudes either, so take your group-mentality and shove it assface, I'm my own person and I don't need to buy into peer pressure to feel better about myself man.

Love at first sight: So love is just something as simple as aesthetic appeal now huh? Don't really need to get to know someone before deciding whether or not you have a deep infatuation with them? Really? Because that seems INCREDIBLY FUCKING SHALLOW to me. This is a just a phrase shallow people use to justify dating someone for their looks. You're supposed to fall in love with someone once you learn more and more about them and find that you enjoy every little thing about that person, not fall in love with them instantly then get more and more offended and disgusted by them with every little thing you learn about them until finally you're just so fed up with the person that you trash their apartment in a fit of drunken autopilot glory.*

*I'm really sorry about that, by the way

Al.

It Sounds More Romantic In French

2008-12-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

The French probably think they're too classy to have such a word in their vocabulary. French Canadians on the other hand probably have over 50 different words for describing fingers penetrating orifices.

Al.

Sans Computer

2008-11-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything in awhile because my brother doesn't let me use his computer anymore so I only really get to play the internetz when I go to a friend's house or something. I have no comics on this computer but here's a neat picture of dogs.

I'd have my own computer by now but apparently a social life is really expensive, especially when you socialize with drunks. I don't care, I'd give up computers forever if the rest of my life could be as rad as it is right now.

Al.

Remember When You Were Cool?

2008-11-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

Remember that? When you didn't have a 'job' and 'bills' and 'a family' and we'd just drink all the time in schoolyards during recess so that the kids would grow up cool just like us? You've changed man, you used to be about the awesome.

Al.

Halloweiners

2008-11-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

On Halloween I went out as Bruce Springsteen and ended up spending the night in the hospital. I didn't get out until 11 am because apparently a lot of people like to get beat up on Halloween. I guess the five or six dudes (and one woman) who kicked my face in didn't appreciate the title of 'The Boss":

But for fucks sake, look at that! All of you had me on the ground kicking my face in and that's all you could do! Pffft, amateurs. The only thing I'm actually pissed about is the one girl who made an adorable attempt at stomping my face in with her delicate little feet. Rest assured sweet tits, if I find you I'm kidnapping you and shackling you to my stove. Anyways have a comic:

Is there an animal rights hierarchy as to which animals are more deserving of rights than others? Lions eat meat, yet humans are the only animals that have to suffer through this inane animal rights PETA bullshit. Yes, please stop people from abusing animals, abusing animals is gay. Eating animals, on the other hand, is fucking delicious. That's why lions and tigers and wolves and all the badass animals do it, because they have a refined palette. So seriously, why doesn't PETA dedicate it's time and energy towards developing vegetarian carnivores? Oh wait, I know, because the carnivores WOULD FUCKING EAT THEM BECAUSE CARNIVORES ARE FUCKING AWESOME AND DON'T STAND FOR ANY CONDESCENDING GUILT TRIPS INTENDED ONLY TO ANNOY MEAT-EATERS AND BOOST THE EGO OF THOSE WHO ARE RIGHTEOUS ENOUGH NOT TO KNOW HOW FUCKING AWESOME STEAK IS. Oh, did I also mention they're on the top of the food chain? Yep, right there next to humans.

Al.

PS, if any vegan or vegetarian or whatever subsect of no-meat dieters ever tasted bacon they'd fall in line.

Fatty Fat Fat

2008-10-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Everything is edible when you're grotesquely obese.

Al.

Judgement Day

2008-10-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

You know you all do it. Everybody judges everybody. Get over it. It's part of why the world's so fucking shitty, but we can't help it, we're all goddamn assholes. At least I can admit I'm a fucking asshole. Your turn, asshole.

Fucking Al.

Check All That Apply

2008-10-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd let all you fine ladies out there know that I am holding auditions for a girlfriend to get me through the winter, as I don't think booze alone will do it this year.

Requirements follow:

- Must be pretty with clothes on

- Must be drop-dead fuckable without clothes on

- Must orgasm like the chick from 'Great Gig in the Sky' (see: Pink Floyd; Dark Side of the Moon)

- Must cook, clean, and put out. Terms are negotiable, however I'm not willing to substitute putting out for anything else, unless it's more putting out

- Fat chicks need not apply

hit me up at sk8_n_sno@hotmail.com (it's an old e-mail address, that's why it's so stupid). Please include photos to verify above criteria.

Can't wait to hear from you bitches!

Al.

You Look So Pretty, Dear

2008-10-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

I can guarantee something very similar to this runs through the mind of any man forced to accompany his significant other on a shopping spree. Maybe their thoughts are a tad less brutally violent though. I, however, believe that there's a direct correlation between the manliness of a man and the amount of violent thoughts he harbours.

Al.

Heroes

2008-10-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Here is my list of epic heroes that shaped my life, The countdown

hero #5 on the list

James Bond Capped a bitch cuz she said he was bluffing.

He gets more pussy than Jesus, I assume Jesus would get a lot of pussy but Bond beats him. Bond gets laid on average 2-3 times per movie, now I haven't seen too many Jesus flicks but I'm sure he doesn't produce those numbers. The dude is the definition of manlitude.

Hero #4

Master Shake Just a genuine asshole in a world that's going soft.

"Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've heard the arguments on both sides, and there is nothing to convince me of the need to brush your teeth." - Master Shake.

That's all the convincing i need.

Hero #3

Optimus Prime
My long lost dad.

Optimus Prime is pretty much a father figure to me. Since my dad wasn't really around for most of my early childhood, I acquired most of my morals from Optimus Prime, he taught me how to be a man, as best as a robot ever could.

Hero #2

Courtney Love#2 Heroine, or heroin, I like jokes about drugs.

Courtney Love rules. She's the biggest looseball in the world and actually so awesome that I want to do drugs because i envy her so much. She is also one of the only women who will not hurt me in my life, Mainly because if she did hurt me I would find it adorable.

Hero #1

yep you guessed it!!

AL BUNDY!!!!That my friends, is a MAN

Sometimes I like to imagine that Al Bundy is my dad. I mean Optimus is cool and all but you can't really learn how to be bitter at women from a robot. Al is just a hero, his life sucks and he constantly turns down sex from his wife. (It takes a real man to say no to sex) Hand down the pants = universal sign of Man.

There you have it the 5 awesome people who would create the God of Awesome if they somehow formed together like Devastator (transformers reference, if you don't know, think something like Voltron but better.)

this was brought to you by Wojtek.

Life Aspirations

2008-10-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

I've been working my way through a lot of depression and anxiety recently, and it seems to stem from the uncertainty that surrounds my future. I'm a four-time drop-out working a full-time renovation job who more than occasionally drinks his rent away. Although I like to think of myself as reasonably attractive and somewhat of a charmer when I have to be, it's pretty hard to get laid when I have an uncontrollable tendency to drink myself under the table within a half-hour of setting foot in the bar. So obviously I don't hold out much hope for my future being too productive.

But that's all about to change! I've finally decided what I'm going to do with my life, and it's going to be awesome. Here, in no particular order, is a list of my current aspirations for life:

- Become famous

- Marry Zooey Deschanel: The most beautiful woman in the world

- Cut a CD with her that is never officially released to the public but becomes an underground sensation

- Start and affair with Kate Nash- the second most beautiful woman in the world- once Zooey starts to lose her bangability

- Go back in time and kill Mel Gibson after he finishes Braveheart

- Fake my own death, complete with traditional wake (which I will attend incognito) and fake viking funeral

- Chase multiple tornadoes. I don't mean just go looking for them, I mean chase the fuckers right out of town while yelling at them

- Go insane

- Start a gang

- Own a motorcycle

- Crash a motorcycle

- Blow up a motorcycle

- Chase a tornado on a motorcycle

- Dig up Steve McQueen's skeleton and drive it around on my motorcycle

- Relentlessly rub my success into the face of everyone who ever said a bad word about me, even if it happened a really long time ago and we had already made up and became good friends, I don't care, they're gonna fucking pay

- Skydive on mushrooms

- 'Accidently' flash my junk on the red carpet

- Build a pillow fort with Dakota Fanning

- Introduce Miley Cyrus to blow

That's all I can really think of for now. Of course there's so much more that could be done in a lifetime, but I think that's enough to ensure a legacy of being the most badass person in history.

Al.

Come Back!

2008-10-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

Letter To My Ex

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m sorry. I know what you’re going to say, ‘how much thinking could you have possibly been doing if all you could conclude is that you’re sorry?’, and that’s a good question, I’ll cover that in my next letter.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been thinking about other stuff, you know? Like when we went to the zoo and I got caught feeding the monkeys the cheeseburger that I made you sneak in your purse. That was awesome! I guess I took for granted that you let me do stuff like that. At least the zoo will always be our thing, and nobody can take that away from us. I know that because, well, you’re never allowed back. Thanks for taking the blame and everything, I just love that fucking place too much, I hope you understand.

And remember that time I got in the fight with the guy in the street who said ‘hey girl!’ to you? I thought that was really romantic how I took out three of his teeth, I know you didn’t find it too cool, but maybe you should’ve told me he was a very old friend who you haven’t seen since you left your hometown. Also, if I knew he was gay I probably wouldn’t have felt so threatened. It’s the thought that counts though, right? You were always saying that!

What about the time I showed up to your house drunk at 3 in the morning, and even though you had to get up for work the next day at 7 for a meeting you let me sleep in your bed, even though I bugged you to have sex until like, 4 when I went to the bathroom to throw up. Hey, I almost hit the toilet, okay? It would’ve been easier if your fucking bathroom would’ve stopped spinning for a minute.

Anyways, enough reminiscing, it’s making me tear up a little and I better stop before I cry because crying is for gays. I hear you have a new boyfriend? That’s totally cool. I’m glad to hear you’re doing good. I’m doing great too, I just got a raise. Pretty soon they’re gonna let me start using the fryer. I applied for a position as head cook at that fancy restaurant where we had to split an entrée because I didn’t have enough money for two meals but I covered by saying I didn’t think you needed any more calories that day. What’s the name of that place? ‘Chez’ something? Ugh, this is gonna kill me trying to remember the name. Anyways I have yet to hear back from them, but I think it’s pretty much in the bag.

So I know your new boyfriend makes more money than me and everything, and he works with kids or puppies or something, maybe he gives puppies to kids? I forget, I was drunk when your best friend told me. I remember she handed me a napkin from her purse after and called me athletic though, which I thought was weird. Maybe it wasn’t athletic? Oh! Nevermind, I think it was something else.

Anyways maybe we could give it another shot? If not that’s cool, I mean I got a lot of stuff going on in my life, but I think I could totally make some time to see you every night, and we could do stuff on weekends if I’m not too hungover. So maybe like two Saturdays a month I could set aside for you?

I understand if you need time and everything, that’s cool, I’ve definitely given you a lot to think about. In case you forgot my number it’s 255-7720. Just call in the evenings and on weekends, that’s the only time I’m ever around my phone, ‘cause you know, I’m really busy during the week and stuff. I still live with my roommate, but I’m saving up money and I’m moving out into a bachelor place soon, but if you get back to me soon enough I can start looking for a two bedroom or something? In the meantime he’s promised to work on his hygiene and start picking up after himself. He even stopped reaching down his pants to scratch himself! Well, that’s not completely true, he keeps his hand on top of his underwear, but he’s getting there.

I look forward to hearing from you, and I want you to know, I never stopped- CHEZ ALFRED!!! That’s the fucking restaurant! God, that was gonna eat away at me all day! Oh yeah, I never stopped loving you, and I never will.

Take ‘er easy babe,

Al.

Hard Time

2008-10-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

It would suck so bad being the dude in jail because he picked a flower. I wouldn't shower for sure.

Al.

Darwin v. Jesus

2008-10-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

I bet Darwin is up in heaven right now... punching Jesus in the face.

Al.

Acronymicide LOLZ!

2008-10-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

There's an appropriate use of acronyms, and it's when you're being sarcastic. You know those assholes who try to defend using acronyms by saying it 'saves them time'? Yeah? Saves you time eh? Well when you get used to typing like a retard what happens when you have to write something coherent, say for school or work or a suicide note?

GBAI CREWL WORLD I CUDNT TAKE IT N E MORE

SRY EVERY1

C U L8R

Nobody would fucking care if you were dead after writing something that retarded. They'd probably engrave 'Took U long enuff, R Tard' on your tombstone. Have fun with that, tard.

Al.

PANTHER STARSHIP

2008-10-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

So my friend Pat Maloney- whom I've mentioned in a previous blog about writing a book- has started a skateboard company called Panther Starship. It's basically going to be the fucking best company ever because it's supporting a bunch of drunks in getting awesome. We're gonna try to get Rattler to play the release party. If you haven't heard of Rattler, go here:

www.myspace.com/rattler

They're the absolute raddest thing on earth. When you're all pumped up from running through their playlist infinity times (plus one) then you should just about be ready for the Panther Starship blog:

www.pantherstarship.blogspot.com

I'm guest-writing for two weeks while Pat's away in Europe. He said he's going to Stone Cold Steve Austin Stunner his brother at the leaning tower of pisa, and if he doesn't bring back photographic evidence I'm going to give him the People's Elbow off the CN Tower.

Al.

Leftover Awesome

2008-10-03T15:19:00.000-07:00

So it's my birthday on Tuesday, and although I know nobody is going to get me anything other than shitfaced, if anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, implies that I need anymore awesome, I'll fucking cut them.

Al.

Your Dad Is Awesome!

2008-09-30T16:03:00.000-07:00

I don't fucking know what inspired this comic, I guess went for something completely unconventional. Life isn't all white picket fences and rainbows and clean living. In fact, a very large portion of people are fucked up. VERY fucked up. I just like to include everybody in the game of making fun.

Al.

Lesbians

2008-09-28T11:33:00.001-07:00

Lesbians confuse me. I'm not really turned on by them to be quite honest. Before you call me gay hear me out.

Point 1
Lesbians are not bisexual, they will not have sex with you. You don't like lesbians, you like bisexual women.

Point 2-a
Lesbians are ugly or at least half of them are.

Point 2-b
Good looking lesbians often date not so good looking lesbians.

That's all.

W.Z.

How I deal with break ups

2008-09-28T10:58:00.001-07:00

I often find myself developing feelings of hate and resentment towards women, I usually develop these feelings when said women starts sleeping with other dudes. These new fellows appear so out of the blue that I can't help but wonder if they weren't around while I was still in the picture. Ah well I guess.

"Poop in your titty bitch." I say.

Side note:
If your girlfriends' head ever spontaneously explodes, it means 2 things, I once slept with her and my telekinesis finally kicked in.

Wojtek rules, girls drool. (or in a perfect world; explode.)

pantie raids

2008-09-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Pantie raids are something we used to do when we were younger, it was silly and in hindsight i can see why people (girls) frowned on it. It was pretty thrilling though, getting caught would definitely be the most awkward thing ever. Any who, a friend once pantie raided a girls mom, the undies were large and gnarly. (the friend may or may not be revealed so I'll keep them anonymous.) So I guess what I'm really trying to say with this post is that I have some panties laying around and if any dudes wanna get something "special" for their girlfriends well I got something that could do the trick, and at 5 bucks a pop it's basically a steal. Don't fret avid readers, these were "random houses" and you need not fret that they are from any of your households, wink wink.

yours truly Emperor and Overlord of Wojtekstan

'The Talk' Went Horribly Wrong

2008-09-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

Honestly, just tell your kids that the penis goes into the vagina, and although they don't quite understand it yet, they'll get the hang of it. It just takes practice is all.

Al.

Slow Down, Fatty!

2008-09-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

FAT

CHICKS

(or dudes)

Thanks for respecting the rules.

Al.